So my Birthday was two weekends ago. Woo hoo another year older another year wiser right? Ugh sometimes I dont feel like it
Frankly a lot of times I dont feel like it. I struggle with the responsibilities of life and the fact that I feel like I am being pulled a million different directions.
That and lately I have really been struggling with Church. I love worship, but frankly the sermon bores me to tears. Its not for lack of trying. I try to sit still and listen. I try to be good (honestly Ive sat on my hands a time or two) but I always end up either searching through the hymnal, people watching, playing games on my phone or reading the Pentecostal Evangel. If the pastor stays on track and makes valid points, I can normally stay on track. But if the pastor starts going into left field, changing subjects multiple times, or making 20 different "and in conclusion" messages (because you know every time a lot of pastors say that its the start of another mini message) im lost. Looking at the ceiling, chasing reflections, or what have you. I also feel at times that church is very much about the "tradition" of things and the only reason I am there is because it is what I am "supposed" to do. But my question is.... I dont remember reading in the bible that part of following Christ is standing when told, sitting when told, singing songs, listening to a 45 minute to an hour long sermon, shaking a few hands, saying hi to a few "friends" and then leaving. Where is the fellowship in that? Where is the joy in that. I feel God very strongly in church, but you want to know where I feel him the strongest? Can you guess? On the back of a horse miles from no where with some good Christian horse friends or even by myself. That is where I feel closest to him, where I feel refreshed.
I get to the point I feel like church is a big fashion show. Everyone shows up because they are supposed to, does what they are supposed to and then they go home to live their lives. A lot of people dont even TALK to those that they attend church with outside of the pew. Why is that? Do we just not know how to be friends with those that are in church with us? Or is it because we are afraid they either 1. will actually hold us to our Christian values or 2. Not live up to them?
Or maybe its because the people we sit next to in Church have NOTHING in common with us besides living in the same general area and attending the same church. I know for a fact that I start talking about my passion, I usually get the complete blank look OR they find a way to end the conversation. And honestly I dont blame them. If im not interested in their passion its hard to form a good friendship. Normally you form friendships with those that enjoy the same passion (aka hobby to some) as you.
I know my problem tends to be this. I HATE sitting around gossiping, I hate teas, I hate dressing up (if you get me in Jeans and heals your lucky), I hate the normal "lets sit around sipping Latte's and gossip......... eh hem... talking. I dont like spending perfectly good days inside talking about the next baking contest.
I dont like going to things like women's conference. Honestly Ive noticed it turns into a good time for the women to complain about their husbands and kids and their lives in general. And these conference are focused on the stereotype of women. The one described above.
Id rather go look at hot rods (i REALLY like pretty cars), go mudding, go hiking, ride horses at a dead run down the beach, ride a harley and get dirty. The only other people I have found like that are 1. fellow horse people or 2. men. And for some reason I dont think I'd be welcome at mens conference. (hmmm... I did pull off the whole looking like a guy thing for halloween one year hehehe)
Ugh I dont know. I would love to do a small group church. We do a bible study and some worship and then we do a bbq and go for a trail ride. Enjoy God's creation.
Sigh.. I dont know... I have been thinking a lot. And this is just what has come to mind. I know a lot of people would and will get offended at the above. And who knows maybe im just a bad Christian because I dont like feeling like church is a chore. But I think too many people are forced into it, when honestly "fellowshipping with other believers" and learning more about scripture can be done in a way that is different then it is done now.