Monday, November 7, 2011

A revelation

It has been an interesting week to say the least. Sunday I went to church for the first time in awhile. Besides the hectic nature of getting 3 kids ready, in the car, out of the car and into their classes by themselves, it was a good service.

To go back to why I had not attended in awhile is after we left the church in Randle I rebelled. I had been shoved into this "perfect pastors wife" persona. I was not allowed to put out there that there was anything wrong, if I had been hurt I couldn't bring it up and talk to the person about it, because I was supposed to be above it, I had no friends because no one really wanted to be around the pastors wife in case they did something "unholy" and I had more than one person that I should have been able to trust stab me in the back. I kind of got to the point of "why bother?" Everyone was hypocritical, no one was trustworthy, they were all there for their own selfish reasons and wanted nothing to do with actually helping others and being there for others.

So after we moved I went into a time of trying to find who I was. I tried alcohol for the first time, and *gasp* I LIKED it. I stopped caring about what everyone else thought of me and started dressing how I liked. I am a cowgirl at heart and like a little bling now and then. I found a friend that I can ride with and renewed my passion for competing in horses. And then I had more than one person tell me that they saw "the old Valerie" coming back. The smart alec who wasn't afraid to spout off her own opinions and tell people whats what. I also re-discovered that God had given ME a passion.

Wanna know where I am closest to God? On the back of  a horse. Training horses, being AROUND horses. I never feel him closer than in that situation. And you know what? Its not "Just a hobby" as certain people have put it. It is more than a hobby. It is using the gifts that God gave me.

So after a long talk over FB with a person that is going through some similar issues as me, I discovered that I needed to pray for God to change MY heart, and leave the rest up to him. I cant change other people, I can only change me. So Sunday morning I loaded everyone up and went to church. And for the first time I felt like I was there for ME. I wasnt there for anyone else. I wasnt there as the pastors wife, I wasnt there as someones kid, I wasnt there because I should be. I was there because I WANTED to be there. After a few almost crying fits, I finally felt compassion towards some people I hadnt felt compassion for in a long time. My heart started breaking for them, and for the first time I felt the bonds of bitterness start to break.

So I guess what it comes down to is your faith has to be your own. And how you live your faith is inbetween you and God. I personally feel there is nothing wrong with some alcohol now and then with some friends (the Bible warns against drinking in EXCESS, but not against drinking in itself). There is nothing wrong with going into a bar to get a burger (The Buck Snort in Morton has some of the BEST burgers and fries). And there is nothing wrong with being closest to God on the back of a horse. A horse and the countryside is part of his creation. You need to have a relationship with God to determine what is and is not ok. Religion puts a lot of rules on things, people put a lot of rules on things, but when it comes down to it whose opinion matters? Gods.

No comments:

Post a Comment